Category Archives: April 2007

Pray for Me Jesus My Lord and Savior

I think I have sand between my toes. I went to Texas last night, got in a fight, felt like fright, and jumped on a flight. I think that Hot Dog juice makes you lose your mind while you skip count by 5’s in your sleep naked with apple butter brownie smidgins.

Have you ever felt like tipping a mad man with buckets of lard hooked up to his nostrils while invading China in the naked nude jungle made for one?

Urination Proclamation

I now know not to snort Vick’s Vapor Rub up my nose because it makes me vomit. I also know that when smelling certain peoples farts makes me vomit as well. Especially if it smells like small children infested with malt o meal and skiddish worms. Why are Jolly Ranchers called Jolly Ranchers? Did a cattle rancher create the product and become very jolly off of his earnings? I wish someone would find this out for me. I almost peed my pants the other day, and literally ran through QT to the restroom. I had to hold my crotch and run full speed practically knocking people down to get to the bathroom before my urination shot out.  I guess it is a bad idea to go to happy hour and leave knowing that you have to piss and that you have a 30 minute drive ahead of you. What a dumb ass. People in QT probably thought I was mentally retarded or something. Green Apple Jolly Ranchers are my favorite. I actually like anything that is green apple flavored. I wonder if I ate only green apple flavored things if my poop would smell like green apple and if the color would be that sexy lime green color? Do Granny Smith apples count?

I was eating crab legs the other day and wasn’t sure how to crack the legs and the little cracker thing was impossible to use. So, I turned into a ravage beast and used my hands to rip the hard leg shell shit off. They were spiny and my hands started bleeding from getting poked. Crab juice also shot into my eye, but it made my eye feel really good and almost orgasmic. So, at that point I rubbed crab juice all over my body especially my nipples and my god I was in heaven. However, I have recently noticed a new addition to my body…spiny claws for hands. No one has noticed yet though. My students think they are gloves…thats what I am going to tell people. Mmmmm milky tooth nipple. What if you grew nipples on your teeth that produced milk or other substances such as hot dog water?

What types of activities do a community of the physically handicapped, mentally retarded, albinos, munchkins, dinosaurs, and off duty Circe K employess participate in during backyard barbeques for the unwanted?